Ray Hurley-Castle's Family Album

I've chosen a few happy snaps and things featuring myself just for you. So without further ado, let's take a little journey...

With Pwürg (L: Mangang, R: Bones)
Maidenhead Station photo booth
1993

I'll start my tour here for a number of reasons, not least because you really don't want to see what I got up to before I hooked up with the Pwürg people. And so it came to be - I found myself as producer on their first classic record, and the above shot (which the band let me sit in on due to my crucial contribution to the album) appears courtesy of the Maidenhead Advertiser where it was first published on December 11th 1993 or thereabouts if I remember correctly. That's me in the middle by the way, just in case you are completely stupid.

Pwürg "F**king Airship"album
inlay card photo
1993

And here I am again, as I appeared inside the album cover. This again was taken in the photo booth at British Rail's Maidenhead Station in the wee hours of the morning. I really can't believe just how pasty my complexion was back in those days. I think the main reason is that Pwürg went for that Fields of the Nephilim kind of look to some extent. Although the general idea was to take on the appearance of a swashbuckling medieval-type, the image required a dusty air about it so, like The Nephilim, we used self-raising flour (which is a pain when you try applying make-up to it afterwards, believe me). I think I might have used a mite bit too much of the stuff though...

Pwürg - Live at The Hangman, Putney
Retrospective advertisement
1993

Here's more pastyness. Actually, this one was funny. It shows the band onstage sitting behind a Wurlitzer organ playing a cheesy duet encore of "Charge of the Flashing Light Brigade" (note the obligatory wine glasses on top of the organ). Whilst being momentarily distracted by the barmaid doing quite extraordinary things with a bucket of horse chestnuts, Mangang accidentally knocked their continental cheese and savouries platter off the top of the organ! So what you see here is me having to stoop down onto the stage and pick up bits of stilton which were sprawled across the floor - caked in unsightly bits of fluff, hairs, and general floor scum. I managed to put most of them back onto the plate and return it to the organ top without the band noticing, and they continued to munch on it throughout the evening. So all ended up well, although Bones mentioned that his voice had become "a tad hoarse" towards the end of the set, and Mangang later found a mini scotch egg wedged between the heel and sole of his boot.

Playing "Sven Pastis" in Mist Raiders
On location in Avebury, Wiltshire
1993

It was shortly after the Hangman gig that I signed up for my first acting role - as the evil villain Sven Pastis in the cult film Mist Raiders. I was asked to wear opaque white contact lenses by the director, which looked great on film. The only problem was that I couldn't see anything through them (I still invariably wear white contacts, but have since rectified the "seeing" problem). Nevertheless, these may have inadvertently caused my brush with death...

The Watertower, Blind Lane, Holyport
A very cold snowy winter's day
1993

As I described in my autobiography excerpts which you should have already read through, we were filming in abysmal conditions at the above watertower. My scene involved a rooftop scuffle with Mist Raider Alaric Belcher, played by Matt Osborn. As if I could see through my white lenses anyway, my eyelids had frozen shut to them and all hope was lost. The director called "Action!" and I lurched forward, then slid straight off the roof.

Scuffle on the watertower roof
Mist Raiders
1993

Ray's lifeless body at the base of the watertower
Mist Raiders
1993

Of course, I remember nothing after this point, though we see here a couple of the actors from Mist Raiders gathered around in shock only seconds after I'd landed. The producer tried to call an ambulance immediately. The only problem was that these were pre-mobile phone days. The only thing they had was one of those nifty little briefcase things from the 1980s which opened up to reveal a telephone system with a gigantic handset attached with a curly cord. A bit like the field radio in M*A*S*H. They plugged it into the lighting generator and extended the aerial, but it was useless - though I understand it picked up BBC Radio 4 quite clearly.

Ray waiting for the ambulance
Mist Raiders
1993

To keep me warm, they wrapped me in my own personalised blanket (which I always keep in my trailer) but, to be honest, it made no difference whatsoever because I was already in a coma by this stage. Luckily though, a local farmer happened to be passing on his tractor, so the crew flagged him down and they trotted me off to hospital. Wexham Park is a fair way by tractor, but they eventually got me there, keeping my blood tepid with an array of carefully positioned Cornish pasties courtesy of the farmer's daughter (Shirley, who I might add is now my wife). Anyway, following aeons in a coma and years in rehab, I staged my comeback from a convalescent home in Courthouse Road, Maidenhead - long after I'd been officially pronounced dead by half the doctors in Berkshire, not to mention the British press.

Monkfish - "Gas Music"
Album inner sleeve photo
1994

When I immersed myself into reality once again, one of the first things I noticed was a record called "Gas Music" by Monkfish. And inside, there was a picture of me (an semi-illustration created from a comatose photograph - complete with the funky full beard that I never got to see with my own eyes). It turns out that Pwürg had made the record under a different name, instead crediting it to their drummer (Ziggy Reaper) and myself. I thought it was a smashing gesture on their behalf, though they later told me it was purely a tax dodge. Still, it's a fantastic album, highly underrated, and contains such classics as "The Cat", "Nebulus Afar", "Aristotle's Dream", and of course, "Flinch" which is all about that horrible spectral monster from the Canadian Red Cross Memorial Hospital.

Cutting from
Maidenhead Advertiser

I also returned to my charity and campaign work, including my mission to save the lovely Maidenhead Sainsbury's traffic lights - just to spite the public that hated them so much. I do love a good community conflict. However, at this point, I thought I was ready for a new career...

Ray Hurley-Castle
McDonalds Conference, Los Angeles
1996

Actually, this is quite an embarrasing photo because it shows my natural hair colour (don't tell anyone that I dye my hair please or I'll sue). I've always enjoyed fast food. Perhaps because my family and my present wife are terrible cooks, especially my wife (bar her pasties and scrumptious buns), though you should try her mother's cooking - horrible, horrible bland stuff - none out of ten, Mrs Mother-in-Law, call yourself a woman? Take some lessons. I noticed that my favourite chain McDonalds® were having a few hassles with the origin of their beef patties. Thus, I approached them with some radical ideas and was invited onboard. The core of the problem was that McDonalds burgers were being made primarily from offal and bits of spine. This wasn't particularly appealing to the consumer, so when strict new laws were enforced concerning marketing, my genius would ultimately save Ronald and friends millions. I set up a new abbatoir company and called it "100% Pure Beef, no offal, no additives." We continued to make the patties the good old-fashioned way, eyeballs and all, but on the cardboard sleeve that the burgers went into, it now proclaimed "100% Pure Beef, no offal, no additives", which of course was perfectly legal and not at all misleading because it was the registered name of the meat supplier. So now you know why everyone still loves Maccas, and why there's a very happy, crack-smoking clown wearing pure gold chains shacked up somewhere in Beverly Hills. But don't get me wrong, I made a killing too. But after having jumped ship to found the "100% Dolphin Safe, Whale-Friendly Tuna Corporation" I got somewhat tired of the business world and retired back to my now solid ivory bungalow on my island in the Thames at Hurley (and don't attempt to visit me without a permit or you'll be shot at).

Ray Hurley-Castle
The Marquee Club, London
1999

I didn't become a recluse though, constantly jetting out to see assorted friends, prostitutes, and the like. Above you can see me captured at London's famous Marquee venue when I popped along to lend my old sparring partner Lucas Bones an ear for one of his projects (you can just about make him out on stage above, reflected in my sunglasses - this shot was taken during his 27 minute bass solo). I tried to blend into the background of course, but the photographers of Fleet Street seem to cling to me like a magnet.

With Prof. Isaac Mangang
Australia
2001

More recently, I popped over to catch up with Isaac Mangang "Down Under", which was a spiffing occasion. Much toast was eaten. I even bumped into Kylie Minogue, which was quite annoying because she's always bothering me in London too ("Ray darls, can I borrow some eye-shadow" etc etc). Anyway, I then flew back to Old Blighty in my own Sopwith Camel (my pride and joy - bequeathed to me by my old fitness instructor Doug Bader) and got stuck straight into the Conquest 2002 photographs, which is where we're all at right now. I trust you've enjoyed this little foray. Now go away.

Yours most honourably,

The Very Captain Raymond Norris Hurley-Castle III